Ever Questions Club (no jackets required)
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We may retire but some questions never do. As we age we find ourselves inside many questions and at times some tough ones. I read some very good ones recently and it got me thinking about all the many questions there are about aging, and how we wish to live our lives.
Since I am aging and working in the aging industry the same questions often arise. My clients and I discuss many of the same ones. I suppose they could be considered to be evergreen questions, but I refer to them as Ever Questions.
The very good questions I’d read recently were from my colleague and friend Ailene Gerhardt of navigatingsolo.com as was interviewed by Dwell in an article about Solo Aging. Inside the article she posed some simple and good Ever Questions.
“The questions that solo agers have to face force us to reconsider the world: How do I want to live? Who is taking care of me? How do we take care of each other?”
That set the stage as I began to reflect upon my favorite and poignant questions. Allow me to share some of them now, and perhaps they will stir your thinking, too.
My favorite Ever Questions come from Rabbi Hillel. You may be familiar with the last one, however all these are relevant to me for how I want to live and work.
If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
But if you are only for yourself, what are you?
And if not now, when?
The international civic organization, Rotary, has the 4 Way Test. (I like # 4, it guides my work).
Is it the truth?
Is it fair to all concerned?
Will it build goodwill and better friendships?
Will it be beneficial to all concerned?
I’ve written about another set of questions, likening the questions to our own relatives. They reflect the ones I hear in in eldercare and in my work as a patient advocate. I invite you to Meet The Deweys. You may know them. They are
Who Dewey, What Dewey, When Dewey, Where Dewey, Why Dewey, and their cousin, How(e).
There is one more Ever Question-influence for me, one that sorta tugs and has me thinking about life. It is outlined in a song, Bob Dylan’s Serve Somebody. Serve Somebody to me suggests that we all need to decide what kind of person we wish to be or what side of history we may wish to be on. This prompt from Bob holds some bearing as I move forward in caregiving, aging, and plan ol’ living life.
Have you ever noticed that many of the headlines, the ones that ask questions about aging or senior life, range anywhere from cautionary or fearmongering in nature?
It seems we are perpetually guided to question – and often from a fearful standpoint – where we’ll live, what diseases or conditions may occur (if we don’t do or take action on “XYZ”), told how we will surely become victims and placed in or worse yet find ourselves in situations without power, agency, or options.
Many of the Yikes we face are dealt to us.
I don’t know about you but I wish to “Move Toward, rather than Move Away From.” How about you?
It’s a shame, as all that “Move Away From”-speak perpetuates fear. I and many are working to combat all the negativity centered around the language of senior living and aging. To debunk myths. To reframe the scary, negative, the You’d Better’s, the Watch Out’s and the Look What Happened’s.
It does not have to be this way. There are plenty of folks who are very happy in their senior years. Take for example this article I came across just this morning, The Best Part of Aging: Giving Up, in which the author casts aside her need for a perpetual and painstaking quest for youthful appearances. The article leads with “I’ve stopped wearing makeup. My bra strap is probably showing. I haven’t shaved in ... forever. And I’ve never felt happier.” (ooo.. dontcha wanna read about that?).
As part of my whimsical-but-not opinions on aging we who are aging, along with the prevailing opinions regarding aging, need a rebrand. We have a choice here to approach, frame, post, converse and live more positively, and authentically. Perhaps in doing so we can combat, maybe even move the needle a little from all the negative light that the media (driven by the aging products industry?) would have us adopt.
It is also my belief that we need to know who we are before we being to ask ourselves those Ever Questions. This is not to say don't start if you don't know, because you're gonna learn a lot about yourself during this fantastic journey. As we age, yes, as we grow (meaning learn, plan, make decisions, maybe even make mistakes) we have it in us to be a lot happier, accepting, and intentional about it all.
Will “Stuff Happen” in our lives? Of course.
I am merely suggesting that we can better navigate life and its Ever Questions with positivity, and with gratitude. With Community, information, and a senior industry that listens and adapts to what we (say we) need and want. (And quit this advertising that “creates the problem and then sells us the remedy”, fer chrissakes. We see you. We are not stoo-pid).
Will we make mistakes during our aging? Yes.
The best advice I ever got about making mistakes (or being afraid I would) has stuck with me for years. I was lamenting all the What If’s as I contemplated a tough challenge or decision. A friend that I hold dear provided valuable counsel:
“If you do something wrong, you’ll change it.”
“If you don't like the outcome, do something different.”
Wow, so very simple. She in effect gave me permission to proceed and maybe fail, or to try something knowing I could adapt. Her words changed my perspective and dispelled much of the fear involved.
Fear breeds angst (and indecision, and opens the gates of What If).
We spent so much time in angst, sometimes to the point that nothing gets done. Let us now shift into more productive and more positive stuff, shall we?
I say we celebrate.
One way I set out to tackle an Ever Question is to begin by acknowledging and even celebrating what is absolutely right, and having gratitude as we do. It is bolstering. Many folks that I work with are so in the throes of whatever that they forget what’s right, what they have done well, what has been accomplished.
You know who helps me to do that? James Brown, with his Get on the Good Foot. May as well have some fun, get funky, and get our heads in the right place. Prepare.
With all this we may now contemplate and more easily move through our own Ever Question(s).
Considering only The Deweys now (Who (Dewey), What, When, Where, Why and How) of any aging scenario; wouldn’t those thoughts and conversations, the decisions and the action step be made a little easier with a foundation of celebration, accomplishment, some gratitude, and coming from a position of strength?
As we encounter or approach our situations, if we’ve acknowledged and even celebrated what is absolutely right, if we know in our heart of hearts that we are coming from a good place and are indeed on The Good Foot, well, facing our Ever Questions can seem less daunting.
Perspective.
Nancy Ruffner is a patient advocate whose focuses include aging strategy, healthcare navigation, and solo aging. Nancy consults with clients in a triage fashion, offering one-hour consultations to find a path, gain a deeper understanding of “how stuff works” in eldercare, or specifically to problem-solve. Schedule your 1-Hour session now, without obligation of commitment or continuing costs. nancyruffner.com