Five Important Conversations to Have With (Yourself and) the Elders You Love
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Let's start with a bang today. The title “Five Important Conversations to Have With (Yourself and) the Elders You Love” upends the thinking that aging is all about others, and that my segment here is another one of those safe and easy “about them” kinds of segments. Nope, not so.
Sure, I'm talking about important conversations and I’m also talking about who you're having them with. Are the conversations you need to have with others also ones that we must have with ourselves? Methinks this can often be the case. Let’s poke around in here today.
Conversations themselves are so handy and fruitful. There's foundation building, the opportunity for exchange, and arrival at conclusion, or readiness. Conversations allow for reflection and change. Conversations are often the gateway to clarification. In my own case, I sometimes stumble on clarity while I am speaking. Then I revel in the fact that I wouldn’t have found it otherwise.
Have you ever had that happen? You figure it out while trying to relay the situation to someone else, and then boom! It’s all made clear, and the path forward becomes visible. Marvel-Us!
Conversations further stuff. We get somewhere when we talk with others. We should chew the fat more often.
“Chew the fat”, now that’s quite a phrase. That’s the one that popped in my head, so I used it here, and I became curious about its origin. So, I had to see what Google could teach me. Indulge me here or pick up some trivia, as you wish.
I found that “chew the fat" originated in the late 19th century, and was likely from 19th-century British nautical or military slang, referring to sailors or soldiers chatting while chewing on tough, salted rations or fatty beef. Google continued, “sailors on long voyages, or soldiers in camp, ate hardened, salted beef/fat, requiring long periods of chewing.” Socialization took over, and conversations ensued.
So, let's you and I chew the fat about some conversations, shall we?
Why is it important to talk, and talk again? Conversations help us to stay connected. They help us to understand evolving needs and preferences, and to think ahead in thoughtful ways. Chewing the fat, it creates space for clarity, alignment, and support as care needs change over time.
Here come our Five Conversations. You may wish to make some jots here, so get out pen and paper.
Our first conversation begins with:
How are you really doing lately?
That opener, “how are you really doing lately?” - is different from the old standby “How are you?”, to which we routinely would reply with a knee-jerked “I’m fine.”
Opened this way, our conversation can elicit a more honest response than “I'm fine.” I like to phrase “How are you really doing lately?” because it opens us up to listen without immediately trying to fix. That alone is important.
(Are you a listen-then-fix’er? Stop that! Focus on listening, furthering, and really hearing. It’s the exchange, people)!
By listening, trust can be built and can make way for future conversations – ones that feel more natural. And y'all know that I use every opportunity to work in the fact that every conversation should have an “s”! You will often hear me sing-song or follow up with “That’s conversations -with an "s"! Our second conversation leads off with:
What feels more difficult than it used to?
I prefer “what feels more difficult than it used to” over going for the jab “What is hard for you?” which seems to demand an admission of some sort. “…than it used to” invites some reflection. And, it has the simple effect of illuminating or marking change, again, without demanding what may feel like an admission. The entire dynamic of the conversation is changed, from a seeming one upmanship query expecting a submissive response, to one that carries the message “I am interested in you, and knowing how I might help.”
Our third conversation is:
What matters most to you as you think about the future? Wow, would that let other folks know my priorities and know what I want in the future! Why, that would be terrific! Key, even. (Knowing what I do about healthcare these days, and designating your Agent or Proxy this conversation is right on up there in the paramount category, for me).
Here’s the thing: In this conversation our answers will center on our values rather than any limitations.
This conversation is juicy (every time) because our priorities will shift over time. And we all know that what matters to one person may look different for another. Answering this question will convey those values, such as comfort, independence, or spiritual beliefs. Or remaining at home. Our needs will also change over time. There's no avoiding that, so let's keep tabs on change, and in a way that reflects what we value.
Our fourth convo is
Have you prepared for the future?
Discussion here may be the nuts and bolts or in business fashion as the conversations turn to topics like wills, advance directives, powers of attorney, and end-of-life wishes. While there may be a laundry list to discuss and accomplish, we do have a chance to think, and talk about, and enable what matters most as we think about the future. Approaching this conversation proactively helps ensure that our preferences are known and respected. It does provide some additional benefits, ones I know you will want to pursue: Peace of mind for both you and the other party, knowing that decisions will reflect personal wishes when the need arises.
I just said “when”. May I point out at this juncture that change is likely not going to be an “If” but a “When”? It will be “when the need arises - what's plan?” That’s my humble opinion, from the vantage point of a professional patient advocate who helps others plan, and then watches them enjoy more self-direction. Enter that peace of mind, right here.
The fifth conversation:
What kind of support would make life easier right now?
This conversation shifts into The Now while still allowing the respondent to very much remain in the driver’s seat. Y'all know me as someone who has taught about extending our INdependence by way of establishing INTERdependence.
I had to learn that accepting help and building support didn’t mean my giving up independence. Rather, it enabled and extended it! I learned that I could establish support where needed (customized, too), like having help in specific areas. Think companionship, transportation, household help, or personal care.
And guess what? We may need these things, and we can BE these things for others. Chew on that while you’re at it.
These five and many other conversations (with an “S”!) bring so much. We can have several of them, and more than once (conversations with an “S”!), and they become normal. They offer a way to acknowledge change, or to define “a When.” When, as in What is our When, and when is our When? And when will we recognize we are at a When. Funny but not.
Having lots of conversations not only normalizes things but they strengthen us. Conversations do not derail, they do not take away our power. They are a power-full part of everyday living. Smart living.
Conversations are for ourselves and others. And when we're having them, solutions will often appear. We get to talk about the “How did you-’s” or the “What are your thoughts on” (X,Y,Z)?
May I add that conversations are very exciting stuff to patient advocates and anybody that works in the aging industry because we are eagerly and graciously awaiting an opportunity to assist.
Alright, it's time now for a few CTA's. Do you know what a CTA is? That's a Call To Action. It's a time when the writer or the speaker or the teacher encourages you to reflect upon their topic or theme and to contemplate taking action. You will recognize Calls To Action in motivational speeches, or sermons, in commercials, or as part of teaching segments just like this one.
Here are our Five Conversations again:
How are you really doing lately?
What feels more difficult than it used to?
What matters most to you as you think about the future?
Have you prepared for the future?
What kind of support would make life easier right now?
Here are your CTAs, friends:
Take our Five Conversations, write them down, and leave them where you will no doubt meet up with them again. (I'm just saying… It will be good work).
You'll want to read about these conversations twice: once for those you love, and once for yourself. (Try them on for your own size).
While you are reviewing them, do so again - once from a “Could you” frame of mind, and a second time from a “Will you” frame of mind.
I will ask of you again: Are there some conversations you need to have with (yourself or) an elder you care about? At first blush, these conversations may be for or about others, but my hunch is you'll find some of these conversations fitting for you. Let's remember our guidelines and collect some benefits:
Conversations (with an “S”!), not just questions.
When in conversations (with ourselves and) others solutions will appear, and for every person’s unique challenges.
Unique challenges can be met with unique and customized solutions, so opportunity and discovery await us all.
Opportunity, how exciting! Mantra-level stuff, I say (you know, Nancy’s mantra: “We can all have a say about how things will go and where we’ll end up”).
If ever I may assist you or someone you encounter, please contact me. (Didja spot it? I ended with another CTA).
Take Good Care, Everybody!
Nancy Ruffner is a patient advocate whose focuses include aging strategy, healthcare navigation, and solo aging. Nancy consults with clients in a triage fashion, offering one-hour consultations to find a path, gain a deeper understanding of “how stuff works” in eldercare, or specifically to problem-solve. Schedule your 1-Hour session now, without obligation of commitment or continuing costs.nancyruffner.com