The Work My Pain Still Does

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Originally published July 12, 2020 as I Began From a Place of Discomfort       

I want to talk about pain for a minute. The pain I’ve experienced, and how I have come to use it.

A big reason I decided to pursue the field of patient advocacy was pain. I want to help people in their challenging healthcare situations because of the level of pain and discomfort I’d experienced. Does that make sense?

Pain is familiar to me. I have been uncomfortable or made to be. Head-scratching, bemoaning, self-destructing-ly uncomfortable at pivotal times in my life. What I’ve learned is that for me discomfort can be a real motivator.

Suffice it to say that in my life there have been times of absolute awful-ness, some of which I did not handle all that well. A couple of the most painful times (that I am willing to discuss here) may be instances like staying in a job or a relationship too long, remaining well past the point of becoming toxic. In the past I have put off decisions (which may have been a decision to remain in the pain) that prolonged or intensified the pain.

Such pain. Such long periods of enduring discomfort. I had times with little sense of direction, save a shred of moral compass. I can recall my querying those around me whose opinions I respected: “Why? Why am I going through this? Why is this happening to me, or us? What is the lesson here?”

Those are awful places to be. Some lasted a long time. 

As a daughter and caregiving sister I’ve second-guessed many a decision. I hated it (the situation and myself) when I didn’t know the answers. I told myself I had the goods, the education, and all-around smarts. I should know, should be able to figure out the answers or action required, the best next step. At the very least logic should rule over emotion, right?

Oh, and The Shoulda’s (visualize placing self on whipping post here).  I should have done so-and-so, been more aware, been a better sister, said “I love you” more often to my parents, communicated this, better managed that. 

I regretted the direction and the dynamics within the relationship between me and my sister and the direction it took. Many of you have heard me speak of our struggle to get along during caregiving. Looking back, I find it hard to fathom that I was about to seek legal action against my sister for not doing what I thought was right for our father. I nearly sought to unseat her as the designated agent with Healthcare Power of Attorney, likely railroading beyond both my parents’ decisions and hers.

Turns out we both wanted what was best for our dad, we just had different ways of getting there. I am happy to report that we found common ground, and everything moved forward in a mostly OK way.

But here’s the thing: I can summon up that pain with little effort. I can harness it.

Whipping post, no more!

Just yesterday I was in conference with another professional who relayed a similar circumstance. She described a myriad of feelings that she was feeling while caring for her aging grandparent (not the least of which were fear, anger, and doubt). All of a sudden she blurted out “If I can stop somebody from feeling that, I sure would.” 

We shared a strong moment there, and in our meeting we paused to sit in those emotions and the synergy between us. 

I have learned that I can DO something with those feelings. When they come up I must use them in some constructive way. This is pure resolve. It’s resolve, triggered, or ushered in by instances of If This - Then That.

I have comeuppance. I have experience. I have knowledge, education and skill, and I’m a darn good communicator.

I can see up and down the line, from both my family’s experience and from the hundreds of people that I’ve had the honor to assist. I can use my past to help others. By way of patient advocacy I can bring it.

I’d like to tell you it is confidence that drives me, yet I must admit to you that it is often the discomfort-feelings that motivate me still. I can return to that discomfort in about three seconds. To me it’s still fresh. It is also useful, and so I call upon it.

Most would think that a more positive feeling, not a negative one, would be a better motivator toward business success. In truth I’d like my motivator to be positive. (Would that be nice?). My conclusion in this case is that I can always draw from the less-than-positive when needed. (Ahem, how’s that for reframing? Life and lemonade-ing?).

Nowadays you will hear me proclaim, out loud or in writing, that a large part of my reason for being a Patient Advocate is this: If I can help anyone to avoid (that level of) pain then I want to do that. In fact, I must do that. I must journey with my clients to mitigate, to help and to help them grow, and to provide solution. It’s just that simple. 

I’m very respectful of the fact that the old pain and emotion are there, so close, so real… I am also grateful that I can call it up anytime. 

The freeing thing is that I can choose how I use it (the pain, those memories, the “shoulda’s”). I can let it stall me, stop me, or I can use it for good.

I know I can help people who are feeling that pain now. That is the resolve that I prefer.

Resolve: Re-solve, with you or with others.

Contact me. 

Nancy Ruffner is a patient advocate whose focuses include aging strategy, healthcare navigation, and solo aging. Nancy consults with clients in a triage fashion, offering one-hour consultations to find a path, gain a deeper understanding of “how stuff works” in eldercare, or specifically to problem-solve. Schedule your 1-Hour session now, without obligation of commitment or continuing costs.nancyruffner.com