Life Can Turn on a DIME, or on a Tuesday
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I have to say that in a way I am beginning to become a little wary of Tuesdays. My life, my Solo Aging life, changed in an instant (on a Tuesday) recently, and it has been one of those events that set off a cascade of events, and well, you simply have to work yourself out of all of them.
Unforeseen change, turned on a dime, and on a Tuesday, wouldn’t you know? Tuesdays - I can think of plenty of Tuesday-calamity alright: my own recent event, a story about my parent’s care - all began on a Tuesday. September 11 was a Tuesday. Even Black Tuesday, the stock market crash of 1929 comes to mind. In Hispanic and Greek cultures, Tuesday the 13th is considered an unlucky day, a contrast to the Western superstition about Friday the 13th. With that, a propensity for Tuesday-phobia could seem justified.
Let me set the stage of my recent event: It was any ol’ Tuesday, day’s end, and I was heading home. I was driving in a 45 mph zone, having gone through an intersection when an oncoming car abruptly turned left in my path. An unavoidable collision followed.
Of course it turned out to be an uninsured motorist. Of course I’d just sunk $2600 under the hood (going for that second 100K miles capability, dontcha know). Of course I’d just invested in new tires, the 70K mile guaranteed kind. And of course if I was leaving on vacation the next day so I had filled the tank with gas in preparation for departure.
(I tell you that last past to gain sympathy but darn it, when you are trying to do everything responsibly life still shows up, doesn’t it?)..
There I was, standing there. I was alone - alone with police report in hand and video captured by nearby business (thank you) that proved my innocence. Yet there I was, watching my car being towed away. Alone, and I had no ride.
I had to call my 3 AM Person.
Do you have a 3 AM Person, all of you? Someone you can call when help is sorely needed? Someone (and maybe some alternates) who can come to your aid?
I am surely glad mine was available because my alternate was herself encumbered with caregiving responsibilities. I’d been communicating all day with a work colleague and had to then explain that there had been an incident that would both pause and impact our progress and my ability to respond or reply as rapidly as I had been. That colleague very kindly offered to help, even to step in as my 3 AM Person (although she did not know she was offering to be such by that name).
The whole point is: what if I’d had no one? Had designated no one? Hadn’t even given it a thought? (Hint: now’s the time where you stop and think “Hmmm, I wonder who I’d call?).
What if I had not yet identified my team, my MicroBoard, one that included a 3 AM Person?
What if there had been injury, and a transport for an ER?
Would I have my wits about me to provide information to emergency workers?
Did I have my Agent with Power Of Attorney, designated, documented and discussed? (Yes).
Am I identifiable within the local hospital systems (Yes, but because I’d uploaded that document myself; I had been a surgical patient and made sure that document was lodged in advance of that blessed event).
What if I could not speak to provide information and state my wishes?
Who would speak for me if I could not speak for myself?
THIS is the intersection, my friends.
This is where a patient/citizen/consumer may not be able to (mantra follows) “Have a say about how things will go and where I’d end up.”
It could be more than “unfortunate". Caught with the back door open. Fallen short (of what I can-could do for myself). All that.
I thought about another Tuesday incident that I’d been a part of. This time it had been with my elderly parents. As I relay the story you will no doubt grasp how (your) life can change on a dime, and all the strife that follows, all of which will be eased by having your team assembled.
It was on Tuesday (naturally) night when Van and Dot Ruffner had just finished dinner at the little table in their kitchen. As was their custom, my dad hopped up for the “rake and clear” duties, removing the dishes to perhaps be rinsed and that were destined for the dishwasher. My mother Dot began the task of putting away leftovers at the stove and readying the pots and pans for washing.
My mother had some vascular degeneration that obscured some of her vision. She did not (likely could not) see that my father had opened the dishwasher and the door was down. My mother whirled around to head to the refrigerator with the leftovers containers in hand, and you know what happened next.
Trip and fall, on linoleum over the concrete slab construct of their one story condo. I think hardwood floors would have even been more cushioning. At any rate, my mom went down, a hip was broken and EMTs arrived to transport her to the ER. My father was there with my mother - that time. Each was shook up, but I always ask myself: “What if there had been no spouse?”
Also in the “preparedness and strife that followed” -department, my mother, a representative of any patient in America: would then go through hospitalization, and rehab. The discharge home, and DME delivered (Durable Medical Equipment); I think there was a bedside commode required for a bit. PT would follow, and home care was initiated. It was likely time to get that relationship established anyway or at least initiated.
Whether you are a Solo Ager or a Duo (partners, a set, married and without children, etc.) we must think about things like this. Learning others’ stories are a way of taking us through our own planning.
What would you do (I do, we do) is a terrific query when you have stories: Mine, yours or another’s.
My point in telling you this is to illustrate a few things that are needed here. There is basic emergency preparedness stuff, but also having assembled your MicroBoard, your team. In this case my mother’s was co-chaired by spouse and daughter who was alerted.
These are cautionary tales and stories that had some preparation in place, but could have gone much differently. This kind of stuff is often referred to as Handwriting On The Wall.
What could YOU do?
How easy would it be if you told someone today that you’d read about a Solo Ager having a reckoning and in need of her 3 AM person (Hint: tell ‘em what a 3 AM Person IS and have a conversation about that). Or how about the tale of two senior persons finishing supper one random Tuesday night and whose lives all turned on a dime?
I vehemently urge you to think this through.
Identify what would be done. What YOU’d do.
Create the documents, tools, procedures or pathways.
Tell others what you want and where those documents are.
If they are an Agent or Proxy, supply them with copies. (Hopefully you have had conversations - that’s Conversations with an “S” - about all this, and they are snapped in and ready to serve.
If this is not yet completed (didja see or hear the ‘YET’?), well, your work is before you.
Everybody loves a good story of trial, tribulation and triumph. You can write the ending to yours, so you can “have a say about how things will go and where you’ll end up.”
Nancy Ruffner is a patient advocate who provides strategy for aging, solo aging, and healthcare navigation. Nancy consults with clients in a triage fashion, offering one-hour consultations toward a deeper understanding of “how stuff works” in eldercare, or find your path. Schedule your 1-Hour session now, without obligation of commitment or continuing costs. nancyruffner.com.