What I Learned from My Almost Mother-in-Law About Anger
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Today I want to talk about something all of us have experienced. Some of us you'd never know had it, and others are practically famous for the amount of it they carry around. It’s universal, undeniable, and often… uncomfortable.
I’m talking about anger.
Anger is a normal emotion, but it doesn’t always get treated like one. Some of us learned early that anger was “bad.” Others were never taught what to do when it bubbled up. And still others seem to wear it like a badge of honor, signaling “Don’t mess with me” when they walk into a room.
I rarely become truly angry. Perturbed, yes. Frustrated and sometimes irritated, yes. But boiling-over angry? It takes a lot to get me riled. Over time—and through some unexpected teachers—I see it for what it is now, and what it can be.
One of those unexpected teachers was Marlana—my almost mother-in-law.
Marlana was the mother of a fellow to whom I was engaged to be married. She was a mostly quiet and soft-spoken lady when she did speak. I was in her kitchen, visiting for a weekend home from college with her son. For some reason (and I cannot even recall the matter now) I was angry at her son and it was, I suppose, showing. It wasn’t right to pull her into our seeming ordeal but I had to talk to somebody. Fuming, I confided. I was mad, “HE was wrong”, or “my feelings had been ignored,” something. To make matters worse I could not exit the situation as he’d driven the two of us to the home of his parents. I felt powerless, invaded, angry over whatever the heck it was, and I was stuck.
What happened next was unexpected and life altering for me. Marlana, in her quiet and unassuming way gave me a technique so simple and unforgettable that it still echoes in my head when the heat rises. Turning away from her cooking she asked me “Will you still be angry about this a year from now?”
Just like that: Total diffusion of my emotions and any blame I was so busy assigning. Anger gone. Now when I feel that ol’ temperature rising I go straight to the “Marlana Technique.” I loved her so. I respected her wisdom, and her quiet delivery.
I loved her so. I respected her wisdom. I ended up not marrying her son, however Marlana still journeys with me in my head and in my heart.
Fastest Emotion in the West
Did you know our brains recognize anger faster than any other emotion? Faster than joy, fear, or surprise. Within 39 milliseconds—or less than the blink of an eye—anger lights up the brain like a pinball machine. I had a brother-in-law who could get me there in record time. You know the type.
And once anger grabs the wheel, it can steer us into reactions we’d sometimes later like to reverse. As kids, we were told to "count to ten." Ever really tried it? I mean really lingered on three? Paused at seven to make sure that jaw was unclenched? That stuff works. Mostly because it buys time—and time, when you’re angry, is power.
Join me in the Irony
Join me in the irony here, in all of this. We do not need anyone to teach us how to get angry, but we do need to know how to handle it. Plenty of folks make “No Take Back” decisions or take actions that are later regrettable. Others will harbor it inside, some to the level of becoming physically or mentally ill. (Can you say “fester”?).
It's What You Do With It
There’s a saying you may have heard: “There’s nothing wrong with anger—it’s what you do with it that matters.” Sounds trite until you’re mid-fume and need a life raft.
Anger shows up in romantic relationships, workplace dynamics, family feuds, caregiving conversations, and even slow-moving grocery lines. (Are we mad at the cashier or just the fact that we’re “hangry” and running late?) The truth is, anger is often in disguise. It might be fear of losing control, grief in disguise, or from realizing you are powerless in a situation.
Sometimes anger is our defense mechanism, a protective roar to keep the threat at bay. Other times it’s a breakdown in communication or a perceived violation of our values. And occasionally? It’s just… Tuesday, and we haven’t had enough coffee.
The Secret Stuff Underneath
Allow me to share one of my favorite quotes: “Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen.” Oof. That one hits. Especially in this age of click-send-regret.
Learning to think before we speak—or even better, before we text—is like putting your inner dragon on a leash. Not to silence it, but to steer it. That’s a skill, not a suppression.
And here’s the truth many of us come to later in life: We weren’t taught how to handle anger. We were told not to show it. So what’s left to do? We bottle it up. And you know what happens to bottled anger? It ferments. It expands. It finds a seam—and kaboom, right in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner or a caregiving conversation.
I Suppose I Don’t Have to Tell You...
...how anger gets in the way of caregiving and planning. Or maybe I do.
I’ve seen anger tear families apart when it comes time for caregiving decisions. There are siblings who didn’t get along in their teen years and still don’t—only now there’s a hospital bill in the mix. I’ve watched adult children harbor years of resentment, only to have it erupt when it's time to discuss living arrangements for Mom. Someone didn’t get heard way back when, and by gum, they’re going to be heard now.
In those moments, I’ve had to act as a patient advocate and an emotional traffic cop—directing the flow so cooler heads can prevail, and helping folks see the situation narratively or in third person. That removes any personal affront and calms emotions.
Let It Go (No, Really)
Once you’ve recognized your anger how do you let it go?
Some turn to deep breathing. Others lean into logic (“This won’t fix anything—and it sure won’t make me feel better”). Humor helps. You can picture the offending person as a single-cell organism or a real dirtbag, trying to navigate a business Zoom call. (Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.)
There’s also environment—leave the room, go outside, give yourself a moment. Timing matters too. If you’re tired, perhaps crabby at night and always find yourself picking fights with your partner at 9 p.m.? Maybe that’s not the best time for big discussions. (You two can agree to talk at a time that works for you both and best.
You can even go the formal route: assertiveness training, therapy, journaling. I personally benefit from writing once I’ve gotten distance from my anger. Recently, I had a little “exhale experience” while driving the twisty back roads of Southwest Virginia. Only then could I step back, unwind my clenched emotional jaw, and start to see what the anger was really about.
Here’s a Few of My Truisms About Anger. Do Any Resonate?
Anger can hurt. Whether it’s incoming or outbound, it leaves a mark.
Anger can scare me. Both when I feel it—and when I see it in others.
Anger is messy. But it’s also deeply human. Everyone visits Anger. No one’s immune.
Anger is sometimes cathartic. It can help us release power we’ve wrongly placed on others.
Anger, when held, can eat away at us. It's not just emotional—it becomes physical, relational, spiritual.
(Ironically,) we don't have to be taught to get angry—but we do need to learn how not to stay there.
What are your anger truisms? Hit Reply and tell me what’s been true for you. (You never know who might need to hear your wisdom too.)
One Last Thing Marlana Taught Me...
Her technique changed how I respond to anger. Not because it stopped anger from coming, but because it gave me a way to meet it differently.
I’ll leave you with this: We can’t eliminate anger from our lives, but we can make peace with it. We can change how we carry it, how we communicate it, and what we let it do to us—and through us.
Because sometimes, the wisest thing you can do with your anger is not unleash it—but understand it.
And sometimes, it takes an almost-mother-in-law to teach you that.
Nancy Ruffner is a patient advocate whose focuses include aging strategy, healthcare navigation, and solo aging. Nancy consults with clients in a triage fashion, offering one-hour consultations to find a path, gain a deeper understanding of “how stuff works” in eldercare, or specifically problem-solve. Schedule your Power Hour Now, without obligation of commitment or continuing costs. nancyruffner.com